


not many flowers bloom in this road

by fearlesswind



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Post-Time Skip, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-08
Updated: 2019-11-08
Packaged: 2021-01-25 14:56:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,104
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21358096
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fearlesswind/pseuds/fearlesswind
Summary: “Five years ago...” Dimitri says, mouth turning up in a smirk and Byleth knows he’s about to deliver another blow “Did you not deem the woman who killed Jeralt to be unforgivable?”She has to restrain herself from not pouncing at him right at that very second, the memory of her father slashing before her in an instant. Her hands are shaking, the Sword of the Creator like molten lava around her hip.Take it back, take it back, take it back.you and I knew this wasn't an easy road
Relationships: Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/My Unit | Byleth
Comments: 6
Kudos: 212





	not many flowers bloom in this road

Her mind sometimes can’t catch up with all the moving images around her. The once so familiar faces are now replaced by the same students she loves and holds dear but older. And very different from what she remembers. 

Byleth can’t wrap her head around her disappearance. Too many questions and doubts plague her mind each night, praying and praying for some kind of answers. Sothis still refuses to speak them. 

Five years. 

Five years since that battle at Garreg Mach and five years since she fell to an endless abyss in hopes of helping Rhea. 

Byleth still doesn’t know if she regrets that decision or not. 

If she knew that all of these events would come to pass in her absence, she’s pretty sure of what it would’ve been her decision. 

_Not that it matters now _, she thinks as she walks up to meet Gilbert, Rodrigue and Dimitri. 

Lord Rodrigue nods at her entrance, offering a small smile. Annette’s father gives her a small nod, moving aside and giving her enough space to join them. She gives him a small smile and instantly her eyes turn to look at the Prince of Faerghus, but he’s already looking away. 

Frustration wells up once again inside of her and little by little she can hear her heart breaking even further inside of her. _ If I’d known he would turn like this _ her mind echoes, _ I’d never would’ve left. _

Not that it was much of her choice in the end. 

Every time her eyes found him, the dam keeps opening and opening. With each look and breath she can feel it tittering over the edge, slowly and surely. But she can’t afford to break down by now. They had a war going on and she needs to keep her head straight. 

_At least one of them has. _

Byleth stands between the three, right over the expense of Gronder Field. A beautiful vast and green scenery stretching before them, trees and flowers decorating every single patch of grass. She could faintly smell the scent of irises and geraniums somewhere in the vast meadow, her lips pulling up into a sad smile. 

She can almost recall that same view five years ago at the Battle of Eagle and Lion. Her students five years younger and participating in a mock battle against their classmates. Her knuckles are white by her sides, frustration and anguish lodging up in her throat. 

And now such a beautiful scenery will be tainted with blood.

“Our groups found our scout out near the Alliance territory” Gilbert sighs, and even from here Byleth can make out the exhaustion on the man’s face. The four of the walk across the grass and she feels her heart still at the sight of the soldier before them “It seems they were not interested in forming a coalition” 

“Claude never would’ve done this” She intervenes, sending a prayer to their fallen soldier “Edelgard must’ve intercepted him on his way to the Alliance” 

It was no surprise in the least with a strategist with such a morbid fashion like Edelgard ruling the Empire. Byleth grimaces, dreading the moment she comes face to face with the girl and the rest of the Black Eagle house. She may not have been her direct teacher but she still cares deeply for them. Misguided or not, she wanted to help the best way she could. 

Byleth only hoped she wouldn’t be too late once again. 

“Are you defending our enemies now?” Her eyes turn to Dimitri, her blood already cold at the expression over by the boy’s face. The prince lips turn up in a sinister and almost sick smile “It matters not. I will kill them all, let them come as many as they want” 

She clenches her hands by her sides, fingers numb to the pain as she takes in carefully each of his words. Seeing this side of Dimitri still comes as a shock to her, heart clenching at the sentences forming out of his mouth. Byleth always suspected there was something the boy was hiding ever since she was appointed as their new teacher. But she never would’ve guessed it would’ve turned out into something like this. 

_What an utter lie _ something replies deep inside her head. 

Even before the Flame Emperor was unmasked, something was truly and deeply bothering Dimitri. He never would voice out his concerns or deep thoughts, but the sleepless nights and countless sparring sessions always told her otherwise. 

Heart stumbling out of her chest, she tries regaining her breath, trying to find some sort of words to appease the boy but at the same time preventing him from lashing out. She’s not sure she could take another one of his outbursts in a single day. 

“Calm down Dimitri” She utters, her voice steady and strong unlike her current thoughts. The man’s piercing glare makes way to her and she has to fight back the urge to flinch back “You know Claude as much as I do and he wouldn’t have done such a thing” 

It just as if she had dropped a bomb between the two. 

“Calm down? You want me to calm down?” A sinister laugh is ripped out of Dimitri’s very chest, a nasty feeling already rolling around her stomach. She faces the glare head on, knuckles white by her side “What would you do if you saw the people who stole everything from you?” 

_Please just don’t go there _, she pleads on her mind but the request goes on deaf ears. 

“If you saw them right before your eyes, living carefree lives and feeling no guilt or remorse for doing so” 

Byleth gulps down her nerves, heart going a mile an hour and she just wishes she could stomp the trembling from her hands. She wants to go back in time, eat her words and stay silent during the meeting, not wanting to push their relationship farther away than it already is. But she can’t do it. Can’t bring herself to do it. 

She’s worried. She’s extremely worried about Dimitri. And not even the upcoming argument would make her feelings go away. 

“Would you feel nothing?” The boy takes a step forward and she steels herself in the very spot she stands. She’s not going to cower in fear “Do nothing?” 

Another laugh echoes across the bridge, the voice sounding even louder, as if the very same man was laughing right next to her ear. She despises that laugh with every fiber of her being, a dark look settling over her face. 

_Patient, you have to be patient with him _, her father would say. 

_But he’s being so fucking difficult._

“Five years ago...” Dimitri says, mouth turning up in a smirk and Byleth knows he’s about to deliver another blow “Did you not deem the woman who killed Jeralt to be unforgivable?” 

She has to restrain herself from not pouncing at him right at that very second, the memory of her father slashing before her in an instant. Her hands are shaking, the Sword of the Creator like molten lava around her hip. 

_Take it back, take it back, take it back. _

How dare he utter his father’s name in such a condescending voice? Wasn’t he the one who comforted her after it had happened? 

_The Dimitri you knew is dead _ , her mind replies, _ and it’s all because of you._

_First your father._

_And now him. _

“I am most certain that you did” Everything’s blurry and coming on too fast. She can barely register Dimitri’s words being uttered, heart racing and aching against her chest. The flash of her father’s resting face appears and she can’t take it anymore “You couldn’t let her get away with her crime, so you took your sword in pursuit” 

“Dimitri” Rodrigue warns him but she needs to get the words out. 

“You’re wrong” 

But is he? 

Is he really wrong about that? She vividly remembers following after Kronya, anger and despair following her every footstep. Byleth would’ve killed the woman herself if it weren’t for Solomon interfering, so how does that make her different from Dimitri? 

The guilt and heavy desire to get her father’s killer still haunts her at night, keeps her awake and plagues all of her dreams. She understands plenty the desire to get revenge. The only doubt that lingers in her mind is, that if given the chance would she have killed Kronya by herself? 

_I don’t know. _

“Am I really?” Dimitri laughs once more, his expression morphing between utmost glee and anger “You wanted to get revenge the moment you saw that woman again. You followed after her the moment she tried to flee and I know you would’ve killed her given the chance!” 

Byleth’s gaze stuck on the grass underneath their feet. Her hands shake at her sides, the very same words her demons uttered now being thrown right at her face by the person she most cared about. It’s all piling up and up, every single tragedy and irony rushing in to make her tumble down, making sure she doesn’t get up. 

“Your Highness please,-” Gilbert warns the prince but this only edges the man on. 

“Your father died because you couldn’t do anything! You were too weak to stop that vile woman after the attack” Dimitri’s voice is full of hatred, venom dripping from every single syllable. Byleth feels everything inside of her breaking and she’s unsure if she might be able to put the pieces back together after this.

“Your father is dead and it’s none other than your fault!” 

She moves and before she’s even registered it the Sword of the Creator is in her hands, pointing right at the man’s neck. 

Byleth feels steel against her skin, Lord Rodrigue pointing his own sword at her throat and she doesn’t even flinch at the touch. Ragged breathing and gasps escape her mouth, a wave of anger and inmmense hurt is crashing inside her body and it’s all coming down. No one speaks a word, the sound of her panting echoing across the stones. Her vision is blurry and she knows it’s only a matter of time before the tears start falling down. 

“Please let’s all calm down” Gilbert breaks the silence, eyes shifting between her and Rodrigue. The prince says nothing, eyes wide as he keeps his gaze trained on her face. Byleth takes a small step back, retracting the sword to its original form and cradling her hand against her chest. 

Lord Rodrigue lowers down his own sword, quickly sheathing the weapon away. She bites down on her lip, the taste of copper already reaching her tongue. She can still feel the tingles of iron going down her neck.

_Don’t cry, please don’t cry. _

“We have a battle coming up and it’s not time to be on opposing sides” Annette’s father pipes once more but she can’t find anything to say back to the prince standing before her. She avoids everyone’s gazes, her vision focusing solely on the scenery before them. 

She never should’ve woken up in the first place. 

“If you speak of my father any further, make no mistake _ Your Highness, _” Byleth spits out breath ragged and eyes watering “Edelgard will be the least of your problems” 

She can feel his sole eye staring back at her form, but she fears the moment she glances back, her tears will surely fall.

“I’ll see you on the battlefield” 

She walks away from the them, anger and guilt washing over her body, her mind a muddled mess. Her fingers shake, hands white as they grip each other and soon enough she finds herself crying. Tear after tear spills past her eyes, no sign of stopping. Her only wish is to go back to the monastery and sleep. 

Maybe this time she’ll be lucky enough not to wake up. 

And yet she wants to try. She wants to keep trying. 

She wants to help him. 

_But it’s so difficult._

_Nothing in this world is ever easy my child, _ Jeralt would say, a sad smile adorning his face. 

Byleth cries even harder. 

* * *

“Years ago we fought here as classmates”

Seeing Edelgard like this makes her stomach turn all over. The very same sickening feeling as to when she revealed herself as the Flame Emperor washes over her, knees shaking and breath quickening with each second. 

Byleth tightens her hold on the Sword of the Creator, her nerves flaring up as a series of fireballs impact right next to their army. She steels herself, not flinching as the fire quickly spreads over the field, already tearing down the beautiful scenery. 

Annette and Mercedes along with the monks quickly advance, containing the fire and tending to the wounded. She follows after them shooting her own indications at Felix and Sylvain to move past the front and Ingrid to monitor the skies along with the other knights. They follow her orders wordlessly.

Her heart is jumping up and down her throat, cheeks still burning with dried tears as she moves closer and closer to the front lines. The soldiers quickly part ways and soon enough she finds herself at the edge of their marked territory. 

Dimitri is right next to her, his bloodlust eye giving her a quick glance before focusing once again on the Empire’s leader. Byleth refuses to see him or even acknowledge his presence, so she only takes hold of her sword. The rest of the soldiers do the same. 

It’s never been like this. 

Every single battle and fight they’ve encountered so far has been rash and quick, difficult nonetheless. But this one is a thousand times different.

She can faintly see the students of both Golden Deer and Black Eagles and her stomach churns all over again. Byleth faintly thinks back to Ferdinand and Lorenz a few battles ago, sending another prayer in their name. 

Five years.

It only took five years to come to this.

Her eyes turn to Edelgard, fury and anger directed right at her. 

“But not today” Edelgard finishes, her own soldiers marching to the front lines, a line of fire quickly spreading over their territory. 

Byleth desperately wishes it didn’t have come to this.

Claude is somewhere hovering across the sky, his whole army of archers and monks reading up their weapons for the assault. She needed to talk to him before things got uglier from here on out. The Alliance had no involvement in here whatsoever.

Dimitri steps forward, Areadbhar clenched in his hands.

She sends another prayer to Sothis. 

_Please don’t let them die. _

_Not here._

“Kill every last one of them” The Prince of Faerghus commands, eyes of stone as his men cry out. He’s the first to move, lance in hand and a maddening smirk over his lips. Horde of soldiers run after him, their banners high against the wind. 

Byleth can only pray for their safety as she runs after them.

Everything is so familiar to how she remembers. She tries picturing it, all of her students five years younger and eager to finish the battle and enjoy the joined feast. Something lodges in her throat as Imperial soldiers soon appear in her line of vision.

She runs past their own soldiers and with a battle cry she swiftly swing her sword and the row of soldiers goes down after it. Blood paints the ground in a vibrant red, soaking up the ground underneath. 

That same sickening feeling returns as Byleth sees their lifeless faces. 

“And so we fight on” Edelgard comments, archers at the ready as they fire. 

* * *

She feels the blisters burning her hands as she slashes another soldier down. The body goes down with a wordless cry, another soldier coming on to attack her. Byleth doesn’t waste time in bringing the Sword of the Creator down once again, legs moving on their own as she continues to destroy battalion after battalion. 

Blood and grime stick to her clothes, sweat dripping down her forehead and back. She can almost see the last Imperial troops retreating, their commanders going down one by one by the Kingdom’s onslaught. Something akin to pride blooms deep inside her chest, but she quickly pushes it down as she intercepts another horde of soldiers. 

The battle was by far the most difficult one they’ve faced. Both Edelgard and Claude along with their armies fought to the bitter end against them. After Annette and Ashe both injured Claude’s wyvern did the Alliance finally retreat, the Golden Deer house leader sending her a concerned look after doing so. 

Quickly she strikes down another soldier coming for her and then the battlefield stills. She can hear her erratic heart beat, thundering above everything else as the sun barely peaks in the horizon. Turning around she can’t see any other standing, corpses of soldiers fallen around her feet. 

_Does it ever get easier? _ Dimitri once asked her, so very long ago, during one of their first missions together. She remembers her anger directed at Rhea for forcing her students onto a battlefield in a blink of an eye. Turning she can faintly hear their shouts of her name as she carefully walks around the littering corpses. 

_It never does. _

She sends a quiet prayer, echoing Sothis’ name over and over in her lips and prays the dead soldiers find peace in the next life. The warm sun rays flicker over her skin, but her fingers are numb, blood finally spilling out from her blisters. The sting of her wounds serves as a reminder of her position. Of what she’s doing here. 

Of what she has to protect. 

Blue and red mix together on the ground. Countless of Empire and Kingdom corpses lying side by side and it makes her want to retch. She swiftly returns the Sword of the Creator to its original form and continues walking. Looking up she sees the familiar silhouettes of her allies and counts.

_Felix, Mercedes and Dedeue, Sylvain, there’s Annette, Ashe is with Ingrid, _ she counts and almost feels like passing out in relief. Turning she finally sees the only student left, gloom and desperation clinging to his face. 

Byleth should know better as to when approach Dimitri or not. Her guilt and anger is eating her alive every time she glances at him, heart hammering and tears threatening to spill. _ Not now _, she would chant again and again in her mind, willing herself to stand against that constant ache. 

Devotion and love can only get her so far when she’s thinking of Dimitri. 

One step after the other, she changes directions and soon enough she finds herself walking towards the Prince of Faerghus. She can feel his frustration building up from even five feet away and she really needs to re-think if she wants to get in an argument with him again. Rodrigue soon joins Dimitri, the man already soothing the young prince from doing something rash. 

Byleth continues, a small distance between them until something catches her eye. Before she could even react she sees a young girl dashing across the field, sword in hand and ready to kill. She instantly connects it and before the words are out she sees the young maiden stab Dimitri right in the heart. 

Not again. 

The prince falls right onto the grass, a pool of blood staining everything in its wake and soon after the young girl joins him, killed at the hand of Rodrigue. Her mouth is agape and eyes watering in seconds as she sees the limp body of her former student. 

_Oh please Sothis not again. _

Everything churns around her, that familiar vertigo hitting her right on the center of her very being. A purple haze fills her eyes, all movement coming to a screeching halt before time rewinds. Her breath comes out in short gasps as she almost crashes against the ground, lungs heaving and exhaustion clawing at every bone in her body. 

She feels on the verge of collapse, knees buckling as she looks up and sees Dimitri and Rodrigue still standing next to each other. The wave of relief is immediately swept away as the young girl runs once again into the field. 

“Dimitri!” 

Byleth runs with everything she has, adrenaline keeping her alive as the girl inches closer and closer to the prince. It can’t happen again. 

_I won’t let it._

The Prince of Faerghus turns at her shout, but the girl is already right in front of him, the steel of her blade glinting against the sunlight. Her own weapon is already in hand, but she’s still too far away to do any damage. Her head throbs and another jump in time is impossible in her state. 

_I need to reach him. _

Blood spills the grass, a choked scream ripped out of her throat as she finally reaches and strikes down the girl in a swift motion. The young maiden goes limp and crashes against the grass, but Byleth is looking beyond that. 

Dimitri is kneeling on the ground, arms supporting Lord Rodrigue’s body against his own, blood soaking his armor. Byleth sees that same wound from before on Felix’s father and her knees give out. 

The tears spill past her eyes, pain and guilt overwhelming her with each second. She hears Dimitri’s cries for his father figure, and with each breath her heart breaks further. Byleth reaches out for her power, willing herself to try just one more time, but she feels an enormous ache burning her heart. 

A shout is ripped out from her mouth, heart lodging at her throat and everything collapsing in on itself. There’s a sudden pressure against her body, all around her spinning away. Byleth can hardly breathe, oxygen refusing to flow inside of her lungs. She hears Dimitri’s cries of her name as she falls headfirst into the ground. 

Byleth grips at her heart, an immense wave of pain crashing over and over against her form. She curls in on herself, reaching into her mind to re-wind once more. 

_No more do overs you idiot! You’re not getting anywhere in that condition!_

A small laugh escapes her lips as the familiar voice swims around her mind. She tries reaching out for Sothis again but the girl is already far away, deep within her memory. Cries of her name echo across the field, the rush of people almost overwhelming her. Byleth stares at the vast blue sky, eyes clouding and the pain increasing by the second. 

Dimitri’s face appears before her just as everything turns black. 

* * *

“Professor! Professor!” 

She stirs, skin cold and eyelids heavy. It’s too much, she can’t feel her bones, aching everywhere all together. Her chest aches, every small movement and twinge tearing at her flesh. Byleth limps, head hanging low and water crashing against her body. 

Her mind can hardly catch up. 

_It’s a miracle you’re still alive._

Sothis’ voice comments on the back of her mind. She tries reaching out for the young girl but as soon as she felt her presence, she vanished completely and out of focus. Byleth tries reaching out for her once more, but she comes back empty handed. 

_Where are you? _ She tries asking, straining her mind to look for the girl. There’s no response and frustration only left behind. 

“Byleth!” 

Cries of her name reach her ears, mind tumbling around her head. The coldness remains, leaving a trail of goosebumps along her skin. She shivers, furrowing herself closer against the warmth by her side. She tries blinking, her eyelids still too heavy and slowly comes back to life. 

Rain.

Cloudy grey skies and a heavy downpour is the first thing she notices. She can feel her armour clinging to her body, mud and grass mixing together across her body. Shivers run down her legs and arms, everything too heavy for her own body. Her hair sticks to her forehead, the rain hitting every piece of skin. 

“Please, please, not you too” 

A voice keeps calling out to her, stirring her every thought and feeling. It’s so familiar, yet so distant at the same time. A heavy feeling settles in her stomach, a longing so deep and heavy she feels like breaking down. Byleth frowns, looking right next to her, the moment the sky is no longer visible. 

Black armor clouds her vision, a long blue cape adorning the body’s frame. Her heart somersaults in her chest at the feeling of gloved hands cradling her body against that comforting warmth. She blinks and looks up. 

Dimitri is looking down at her, desperation and worry carved in his face. He cradles her against his body, cape shielding her away from the heavy rain. Byleth can faintly hear the rest of her students calling out her name, spells and incantations already being casted around the two of them. 

“Don’t go, please not again” 

His voice breaks at the end of the sentence along with her heart. 

Byleth reaches out for him, her hand shaking from the coldness. Slowly her fingertips come in contact with his beautiful pearl skin, earning her a full shudder. Dimitri instantly looks down, eye focusing solely on her own. She tries smiling, reassure him in a way, but a wave of heat crashes over her chest. 

Groaning she slumps further against Dimitri, the man instantly pulling her closer against him. He carefully holds her hand across his cheek, the faint touch of lips over her palm. Byleth feels butterflies swarming every crevice and gap inside her body, the rush of warmth filling her up. 

“Dimitri” Her voice rasp and coughs immediately take place. 

“Don’t talk, save your strength” The Prince of Faerghus tells her, voice sweet and soft and something completely foreign to how he’s been treating her. For a brief moment, the image of Dimitri from five years ago appears on her mind, before focusing back on the present. 

“What-t...what happened-d?” She struggles to say, her breath coming out short and her consciousness already slipping away. 

“We-we still don’t know” Dimitri answers, his worry increasing by the minute “You-you just collapsed. The healers are looking for a cure as we speak” 

“Oh goddesses” A small jolt of hot pain scalds her skin, almost making her cry out once more. She feels the prince’s arms tighten around her frame, the touch grounding her to the present like nothing else. 

“Stay still, please, please,” The man whispers against her skin. Everything tingles, shivers going up and down her spine with no end as the pain increases with each second. Flashes of green and blue are going all around her, healing spells leaving no effect on her. 

Byleth pants, her insides churning over themselves, the pain doubling with no signs of stopping. She tries to push down the urge to scream and kick out, tears already dripping down her cheeks, eyes tightly shut. 

“It hurts” She heaves, labored breaths coming one after the other, “It hurts so much” 

“It’s not working” He growls, voice desperate and so full of need. A bright vibrant blue envelops her whole, finally the pain subsiding, a rush of coldness rushing across her veins. Byleth suppresses a shudder, furrowing deeper into Dimitri’s embrace, her heart easing up in her chest. 

She feels the prince’s sigh of relief, arms easing against her as they both tumble further into the muddy ground. Rain continues to adorn the sky, each droplet crashing against her skin but she can hardly feel it. 

Exhaustion clings to her, eyes dropping over and over again, but it’s getting harder and harder to stay awake. Her hands are numb, legs heavy as lead and she can hardly find her voice. Dimitri is slumped over her, eye closed and still holding onto to her hand. 

“Dimitri” She rasps out, coughs following right after. It feels like she might spill blood any second now. 

“Don’t” He insists, brows pinching together, a look of pure agony etching on his face “I don’t want to hear it” 

“You don’t have much of a choice” A smile tugs at her lips as she gives his hand a small squeeze. He immediately turns to look at her, and she can finally see the dried tear tracks running down his face. She thinks of their arguments, of all those hateful words being spilled over and back without a second thought. _ I don’t want that _ “I’m so sorry”

“Please don’t” But his pleads go ignored. 

“I’m sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you” She trudges on “I never wanted to cause you any harm. But it seems that all of my efforts were in vain in the end. Knowing what I know now, I never- I never would’ve-” 

Coughs rack up her body and she feels the blood spilling past her lips. She shakes, fear gripping at her heart as panic spikes up all around her. Everything is dulling and mixing together, head throbbing full force now. She’s going to pass out any second now. 

“Please, don’t-I don’t-” Dimitri tightens the hold on her hands, fingers shaking against hers. 

“I never would have left you” Byleth slacks in his hold, eyes closing and consciousness slipping by. She distantly hears cries from her students, and she wonders if this time she’s really leaving them behind or not “I would’ve stayed right by your side until the very end” 

“Then please don’t-” His voice breaks along with her heart “-don’t go” 

“I don’t want to” She says, Sothis figure appearing before her eyes, stretching out her hand. And fuck, she doesn’t want to. _ Not yet _, she mouths at her, pain increasing with every second that ticks by. The goddess sadly smiles, ignoring her pleas as she walks closer “I don’t want to leave you” 

“Goddess, please no!” A sharp cry leaves Dimitri’s lips and just like that everything turns to nothing. 

* * *

Byleth stands in an empty field, darkness enveloping her whole with nothing on sight. She wants to scream, cry, and tear something apart with her bare fingers but she’s motionless. Her limbs are heavy and dull, a sudden weight pushing her down and down towards and endless abyss. 

If this is what dying felt like, she wanted it to stop. 

“Sothis!” She yells against the void, knees buckling as she crumbles down. Panting and heaving he can hardly see, everything coming in and out of focus behind her eyelids. She wants to go back. Back to her friends, to her students. 

Back to Dimitri. 

“Please no” She murmurs, closing in on herself and concentrating every single thing in her body to make another jump. Just one more, she begs, one more jump and nothing else. 

“You can’t” 

She snaps her eyes open, finding the green haired goddess standing right before her. A deep frown is settled over her face, arms crossed above her chest as she looks down at her. Byleth doesn’t even know how to react to the apparition. 

“What does that mean?” Is the only question out of her mouth, hugging herself tighter at the sudden cold lashing at her skin. 

“You can’t jump back in time anymore” Sothis declares, moving closer and closer to her “If you do so, you’ll heart will surely explode in on itself” 

The words vanish from her tongue, eyes looking down at her chest. She hugs herself tighter, trying to sense or even to hear some sort of response from her own organ. But nothing greets her back. The thought of something so, so inexistent inside of her, threatening her life all together it’s bizarre. So bizzare. 

“What happened?” Is the only words she manages to speak out. 

“You tried to jump a few moments ago and your body couldn’t handle it” The girl kneels before her, eyes connected to her “Sent your heart in an override. After that you blacked out” 

“Am I...?” 

_Dead? _

Byleth closes her mouth, looking all around the endless space, eyes straining against the black pit before her. Her hands clench on themselves, knuckles white and bruising over her skin. 

“No” Sothis responds for her, a look of understanding crossing her face “Not yet anyway” 

_Am I going to be? _ Is the next question on her mind, uncertainty and fear gripping at her very being. She can’t die now. Not after reuniting with her students, with her friends. Not while the war is still going on around them. 

“I can’t” She stutters “I can’t die now” 

_There’s too much at stake _ , she supplies in her mind, _ I can’t bring myself to die now. _

“That is true” The goddess replies, twirling a strand of green hair between her fingers “You can’t, but you are” 

Silence reigns between the two of them as Byleth tries to process everything happening around her. _ Now what? _ Is the only question that lingers in her mind. What’s going to happen to everyone fighting against the Empire? They’ve already lost plenty of people, to commence with Lord Rodrigue. This was not the time to be dying. 

She’s already up on her legs, walking forward, no single direction in her mind. 

“Where are you going?” Sothis asks, not even moving from her spot. 

“I’m getting out of here” Byleth swallows down the nerves jittering her arms. _ Push it down, push it down _, she can’t afford to break down now. Let it be after she gets out of this goddamn place. Let it be in one piece or not. 

“And just how are you going to do that?” 

“I don’t know” She answers, still walking and walking through the endless void “But I have to do something” 

“Always the impatient one” 

Byleth keeps walking and walking, not once stopping. Her eyes can hardly see anything in this abyss, everything surely slowly suffocating her all at once. She can still feel the tremors racking against her body, legs trembling as she takes each step forward. 

She can’t see anything, the darkness stretching on and on without any signs of stopping. Her breaths are ragged and short, oxygen refusing to flow inside her. It feels like she’s stumbling, head dizzy and pulsing. 

This is endless, she takes step after step, you’re not getting out of here. 

Tears get caught in her eyes, feet stopping and breaths crashing against her chest. You’re not getting out of here, it’s like a broken record on her mind, the phrase repeating over and over again as she slowly crumbles back down onto the floor. 

_What can I do?_ She cries and cries, heart aching and eyes closing.

“You could see your father you know” Sothis is standing before her, frowning and a pitying look overtaking her face “You could end with all of this sadness” 

Byleth shakes her head, more sobs being ripped out of her very being. She can’t, she can’t. It’s too soon. I didn’t even say goodbye. 

“Isn’t this what you wanted?” 

“No” She cries, vision blurring as she hugs herself even tighter “I want-”

Her mind comes up short, blank and empty of every single thought in that moment. But she knows, she knows deep down she never wanted this. You’re very greedy you know, a voice pipes up and she knows she’s asking much, way too much than what she should’ve. She’s been brought back to life countless of times, why should she revive once more? 

_I want-_

She can clearly see Ashe and Dedue mixing together herbs and fruits in the Dining Hall, Mercedes and Annette not to far behind, savoring the meal they’re about to eat. Ingrid’s complains and reprimands reach her ears as Sylvain whines and begs in mockery, Felix grumbling behind the two of them. 

‘_Professor_’ She would hear and turn to be met with Dimitri’s sweet smile, eyes so bright and carefree. 

_I want to help them. _

“I can’t go” Her words slur together, tears spilling out her eyes one after the other, “I can’t leave them again”

Byleth breathes and sucks in a deep breath, her lungs barely functioning together. Sothis grumbles in response before the tiniest hint of a smile graces her lips. And just like before, the girl vanishes in front of her and she’s all alone. 

“No” She whispers “No, wait, don’t go!” 

Her legs wobble as she stands from her spot, arms tightening around herself just as a dim ray of light pierces through. She gasps turning around at the direction it came and soon enough she’s walking-no running towards it, the light stretching on and on. Byleth smiles sure and steady and not before long the darkness is no more and she’s one with the light. 

* * *

She wakes with a start, mind rattling and a gasp tearing out of her throat. Byleth heaves, oxygen filtering inside her body as she coughs and coughs, everything too bright and out of focus for her to concentrate. 

Noise fills her ears, screams and delighted yells thrum against her body as she tries to regain full control of her body. She feels like throwing up, the scene before her swirling with no real direction. 

“Careful! Careful!” Annette shrieks somewhere in the room and soon enough a pair of gentle hands is already pushing her back down. Terror seizes her in a second and she opens her eyes. 

“Relax professor we mean no harm” Mercedes whispers against her ear but even then Byleth can’t stop the refusal. Her chest tightens and she’s really going to throw up. She pushes Mercedes’ hands away and tosses her head to the side.

“The bucket!” 

Byleth thanks Ashe profusely as she tries to keep it in. As soon as the wooden bucket is within reach, she snatches it away and retches. Embarrassment and dread fills her up as she continues to vomit her stomach’s content and then some. She’s exhausted, sick and that ache is still coming and going. 

Her vision swims again, everything twirling in on itself. Bile rises up on her throat as she continues to retch against the bucket. Rough calloused hands gently push her hair away, rubbing her back in smooth and small circles. Byleth lets a few tears slip by, her chest aching and body sore from just waking. 

Before she knows it, she’s sprawled on the bed once more, a cool wet cloth poised at her forehead. Her breaths are coming in and out, the pain in her chest long gone but her mind is swirling all around. Her eyes drift over to the small window by the infirmary, the sun setting in the horizon. 

She sighs and just as she’s about to sit up, a hand clasps on her own. 

“Byleth?” 

Her heart stops, breathing coming up short as Dimitri comes in her line of vision. She feels the words die on her mouth, chest fluttering as her fingers tighten over his own. 

“Dimitri?” 

Said man, sits down on her bed and inches closer to her. She can see the dried tear tracks running down his cheeks. He looks restless, exhaustion weighing him down with every second that ticks by. She grimaces in turn, once again trying to sit up. 

“No, no, don’t move” He carefully pushes her back once again. 

“You need to rest”

His eye widens at the response and then a soft chuckle escapes his mouth. She feels everything still at the sight, tears threatening to overflow once again at the sound. 

_There you are _ , she thinks as a smile plays at her lips, _ I found you. _

_I finally found you. _

“The same as always professor” He chides her, gives her hand a small squeeze in return then sighs, “Your body took a heavy toll after the battle, you need to take it easy”

“What-” She coughs into her hand, “What happened to me?” 

“No one could come up with a proper diagnostic.” Dimitri sobers up in a second, his mood darkening and a worried frown overtaking his face “Mercedes and Professor Manuela are still investigating what happened to you, but they could only conclude that...”

He trails off after that, hand gripping hers in response. 

Byleth can’t say anything back, mind coming up short and thoughts drifting back over to Sothis once more. At that moment, she felt her body burning up and destroying in on itself. The thought of rewind back time again fills her with such terror, heart seizing in her throat. 

“They could...” The prince speaks once again, body tensing “They could only conclude that it was a heart failure” 

She tenses at the words, and instantly reaches out to place her free hand above her chest. Byleth waits and waits, and there’s no thrumming or beat coming off from her heart. It’s always been like this, she thinks, maybe...

“I really was...” Her eyes look up at his “I really was dying?”

Dimitri shakes as the words leave her lips and soon enough he’s kneeling down on the hardwood floor and inching closer to her face. Byleth refuses to let him go, her fingers intertwining with his as she carefully turns her body in his direction. 

“Please...” The man whispers, lips dropping the tiniest hint of a kiss over the crown of her head “Please forgive me”

She feels her everything break into pieces as Dimitri starts shaking against her. Byleth wants him to stop, not to beat himself any further for any of this. No one deserved this, no one deserved any of this. 

“It was my fault” He begs, tears flowing free and she can feel her own as well “I should’ve been there for you, I shouldn’t have pushed you away. I almost lost you and-” 

A small sob rips out of his throat and she’s shaking her head against the bed. 

_Don’t apologize, please don’t apologize _ , she cries as well tears welling up in her eyes, _ I forgave you a long time ago. _

“Dimitri” She can only say his name, inching and wanting to get closer to him. She moves against the bed and slings her free arm around his waist, burying her face in his chest. 

The prince wastes no time and surges down, returning the fierce contact and enveloping her whole, head resting on top of hers. She feels him trembling, his fingers shaking as more sobs escape his mouth. Byleth just tightens her hold and hopes she can convey every word she couldn’t utter. 

_I love you_, she gives his chest a lingering kiss, _ I love you with everything I have. _

_I forgive you_, she drops another and another, _ Forgive me too._

Another one.

_Please. _

Between tears Dimitri kisses her hairline once more, lips tender and shaking her to the very core. 

_You don’t have to apologize to me._

He kisses her again and again. 

_For anything. _

**Author's Note:**

> 🌻 [**tumblr**](https://castlebrenda.tumblr.com)  
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> 
> i had this one-shot in my archive for ages, i just couldn't find my inspiration for the ending or where it was going in general. i scraped many, MANY parts of this the only thing that was consistent was my need for an argument after those awful allegations from dimitri towards byleth, so i dwelled on that haha anyways hope you enjoy this small thingy! 
> 
> ps. this title of this fic was also inspired by this [song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fQ4JnyrnSoI) if you want to check it out!


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